Emotion Regulation

Reappraisal refers to thinking differently about a potential stressor event, to manage better the emotional response

Suppression refers to diminishing or inhibiting the emotional expression when facing the same emotional event. Suppression has been linked to more negative outcomes

Give choices when setting limits or consequences

Express what you want, not what you don’t want

Emotional regulation is not a skill we are born with. Toddlers’ moods can swing like a pendulum. Helping our kids learn to self-regulate is among parents’ most important tasks.

Emotional regulation or self regulation is the ability to monitor and modulate which emotions one has, when you have them, and how you experience and express them. Learning to self-regulate is a key milestone in child development, whose foundations are laid in the earliest years of life. A child’s capacity to regulate their emotions affects their relationships with family and peers, academic performance, long-term mental health, and their ability to thrive in a complex world.

A child who cannot self regulate and throws tantrums constantly puts a strain on the parent-child relationship. This can impact the climate of the whole household, including siblings, extended family, and everyone around them, and lead to a negative spiral.

The same goes for friendships. Kids who don’t have the ability to control their feelings or behavior can have a harder time making or keeping friends. The inability to self-regulate emotions can lead to traits like anger, aggression, withdrawal or anxiety. This can snowball into further negative consequences: Children who are rejected by their peers are at increased risk of dropping out of school, delinquency, substance abuse and other behavior problems​. Studies show that those who are withdrawn and rejected by peers are also more likely to be victims of cruelty and bullying​.

In contrast, good emotional regulation in children not only positively impacts relationships, but acts as a strong predictor of academic performance and future success. Effective emotion management allows a student to focus on performing during tests and exams, rather than being impaired by panic and anxiety.

Students who self-regulate have greater attention spans and problem-solving capabilities, and perform better on tasks involving delayed gratification, inhibition, and long-term goals.

This effect carries on throughout their lives. An adult who did not learn to master emotional regulation early in life enjoys less job satisfaction, leading to financial struggles, suffers from poor mental health and sadly, lives a life lacking general well-being​.

So how do kids develop this critically important skill? And how can we as parents help them?

Some kids have a harder time learning emotional regulation skills than others. Researchers have found that some babies’ temperament is innately more capable of self-regulating than others, indicating that biology plays a role.

But while genetics are important, the environment plays an equally, if not greater role. The capacity to self-regulate is not set in stone, even if genetics are in play. Most children have the capacity to learn to manage their feelings, when exposed to an appropriate environment, but those who have not received proper modeling from adults have a harder time developing these skills.

When babies are born, their brains are not yet well developed. We can think of their brains developing a bit like that of building a skyscraper.

The architectural blueprint may give the building its shape, but the outcome will vary greatly depending on the materials used and the contractors carrying out the construction. Similarly, genetics determine a basic blueprint for a child’s brain development, but their life experiences, like the building’s construction materials, can profoundly influence the structure, resiliency and overall design.

And just as it’s easier to impact the skyscraper during the building phase than to reconstruct it later, so can human brains be better equipped to develop the ability to carry out certain skills better during certain periods in life. These optimal times are called sensitive periods or critical periods, generally taking place in early childhood through the age of 25.

After the sensitive period of learning a skill has passed, there is a gradual decline in the ability to become proficient in that skill. It is still possible to acquire a new skill, but it will take longer for the person to master it.

Our brains regulate the nervous system in our body. In times of stress or danger, it activates the body’s fight-or-flight response. When faced with a stressful situation, this response is activated, allowing our bodies to move fast by speeding up our heart rate, shutting down digestion and upping blood sugar for quick energy. When a baby or child gets agitated, this system is in full gear and the emotions are high.

Conversely, there is a calming or dampening system, which slows down our heart rate, increases digestion and conserves energy. This calming part of our nervous system can counter the high speed effect created by the fight-or-flight system, and it’s crucial in controlling our bodily functions and emotional well-being.

When these systems are acting in balance, our bodies run properly and we are in emotional control. But when the systems are out of balance, we need to draw on our self-regulation techniques to bring them back into a healthy state.

Since the fight-or-flight response is critical for human survival, it is no coincidence that the instinct to accelerate develops before birth. Every parent knows that newborns are capable of getting worked up enough to alert parents to their needs by crying.

The newborn’s ability to self-regulate is not as well developed at birth. Infants have limited self-regulation capability available, such as thumb sucking, hugging a blanket or visual avoidance. They can only self-soothe, however, to a certain point, especially if they’re extremely agitated or if whatever is upsetting them doesn’t change (loud noises, being left unaccompanied, feeling trapped, hearing parents fighting, hunger.)

When babies cry uncontrollably, it’s like they are driving on an emotional runaway car with no brakes! It is up to parents to help them regulate their “brakes” because their nervous systems are not yet fueled to drive this emotion alone.

While many factors, including teachers, schools, neighborhoods, peers, culture, and genetics, can influence a child’s ability to regulate, parents and family play the most critical role.

Factors that influence a child’s ability to control their emotions.

PARENTS MODELING EMOTION REGULATING SKILLS

Modeling has long been recognized as a crucial mechanism through which children learn. Kids observe their parents’ every move, internalizing and then mimicking their behaviors.

Their parents’ own ability to practice self-regulation is among the first emotion-related modeling children see. Kids watch how parents control and struggle with intense feelings and impulses.

Children of parents who struggle with emotional regulation are more likely to end up having emotional dysregulation. If a parent is reactive, screams or yells whenever something goes wrong, the child learns to be reactive and misbehave when things don’t go their way. If a parent is calm when solving life’s problems, the child learns to stay calm and look for solutions instead of blame. The younger the child, the stronger this imitation effect will be.